REFORM WALL STREET? (good luck!)

     First off, let me confess that I work at certain Securities firm here in the STL that shall remain nameless (i don't wanna get fired.  I also can't post pictures of myself in uniform on social web sites. (huh?) Anyway, back to the subject of Wall Street. 
     CROOKS!!!
Sorry, that slipped.  Not all bankers, securities traders, stock brokers...
     THUGS IN BROOKS BROTHERS SUITS!!!
Damn, I gotta get that twitch under control.  Where I work, from the CEO on down are fine people performing a much-needed service to provide for the financial futures of their clients.
     BULLSHIT!  THEY GET A FAT COMMISSION AND BONUS EVEN IF THEY FUCK ALL YOUR MONEY UP!
     I apologize again, folks.  I didn't really mean to say such crude things about the financial geniuses in the industry. (read the book "Too Big to Fail" if not, HBO is making a movie adapted from the book.) There is nothing wrong with entrusting these financial wizards with your retirement, life savings, toenail clippings, etc. You can always be sure that you broker is doin everything he or she can to make sure that your money, retirement fund, earwax, etc. is being invested wisely with every action on their part focused on not giving a shit about your retirement or any other silly-ass concern you have.   Their motto is "so what if I fuck-up your life financially and you spend your retirement years living in an appliance carton under the 40/270 overpass and eating out of dumpsters for dinner, don't bitch at me, you ain't the only muthafucka who's life I've fucked-up. So fire me, I'll just collect my million dollar bonus for fucking-up everybody's money in the securities market and retire to my McMansion in South Beach, Florida".
     So here's a financial tip for Old Black Guy Steve: 
     First take all of your money out of the Bank.(they don't need it, they've got us taxpayers to support them!)
     Second, take all the cash you've got stuffed under your mattress.  You know what I'm talking about, the money you've been making selling your Viagra pills to all the limp-dick drunks at the corner bar you frequent.
     Third, while your wife isn't looking (like when she watchesThe Young and the Restless(useless).  We could have a 10 point on the richter scale earthquake and she wouldn't notice, she's too busy worrying about when will Victor Newman finally grow a pair of nutts and shoot Jack Abbott in the head several times.) Anyway, while she isn't looking, take all of the cash out of her purse (buried under the condoms and k-y gel you're not supposed to know about). that she's earned blowing the limp-dick drunks down at the corner bar after they've eaten your viagra pills(you're not supposed to know about that, she always tells you she had a good nite at bingo.)
     Fourth, take all that money and go to the nearest gambling boat (I prefer Lumiere or Harrah"s). Trust me, the odds for your retirement are a lot better, plus the waitresses look really HOTT in those little skirts and plunging necklines, you won't get that at Edward Jones!

DEAR ED MARTIN,

     Aren't you running a little late for your next Tea Party circle-jerk?  Yet you find time to bash the President and his Homeland Security head honcho because of the "underwear bomber".  U forget to mention that the drawls bomber was inadequately searched in Europe (London to be precise). What the hell could the Prez have done about that, beside calling up Prime Minister Brown and informing him his peeps fucked-up again?
     Oh, I forgot, everything that goes wrong is Obama's fault.  When you wake up in the morning and stub your toe on the bedpost, you yell, "Shit, that goddamn Obama!" Gee, where were u a few years ago? Ooops, forgot, you're a Republican and republicans can do no wrong.  Sorry, I forgot.  My memory's been getting bad lately, must be that fuckin Obama's fault.  But I digress...
P.S.  You limp-dick Tea Party fucks couldn't even stop proposition A from passing.  What fuckin good are you pissed-off neanderthals anyway?  But I digress...

THIS ONE IS TOO EASY!

     Hey, guess what!?  This will shock you, so I hope you are sitting down!  A former East St. Louis councilman has been indicted on charges of tax evasion, voter fraud.  Sorry, folks, this one is just TOO easy, so I'll leave this one alone.

My first Jackass award goes to.....(drum roll, pleeze)

     FRANCHESTA BROWN!!!
Yes, Ms. Brown is the first recipient of the JACKASS AWARD.****
     In the sleepy little hamlet of East St. Louis, native St. Louisan Franchesta Brown was charged with armed robbery.  According to the Evening Whirl (all the news that's fit to print!) Ms. Brown attempted to rob a woman of money and cigarettes (cigarettes?) at a Metro East Metrolink station.
     Unfortunately for Ms. Brown, the victim decided "fuck this stupid bitch, I work too hard for my money and cigarettes, this bitch needs to get a job!" and proceeded to dump the entire contents of her hot cup of java and the amateur robber. The victim made the dash afterwards and flagged down some St. Clair County cops, who arrested the erstwhile Ms. Brown.  While wearing the chrome wrist jewelry, Ms. Brown had the nerve to complain that she was "injured".  Cops called paramedics, but when they arrived, Ms. Brown put up such a struggle and fuss with them, the paramedics said, "fuck it, the only thing wrong with this bitch is she's a JACKASS"! The paramedics left to assist citizens who really need assistance.
     So the moral of this story is, if you're gonna rob somebody with a cup of hot java, wear the appropriate protective gear (face shield, heat-resistant clothing).

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